Communication and Assertiveness
Communication is something we use throughout our day and yet, most of us lack confidence in. It can be our greatest weakness or our greatest strength. So how do we make it a strength rather than a weakness?
Communication is a part of every relationship we have. In fact, researchers state that the number one reason conflicts happen within any relationship is not because of money, politics, religious beliefs, or even differences in values, rather it is communication. Sure, these topics play a major role in the tone of the conversation, but communication in general is the number one reason conflict occurs through misinterpreted communication, miscommunications, or assumptions. Therefore, communication is something we need to be mindful of improving and working on to better our relationships.
What is communication?
Communication is the exchanging of information or delivering of a message. I’ve always thought of it like trying to deliver a package. Or, if you will, like trying to shoot a torpedo through a thermal exhaust port guarded by a high-tech defense system. The goal of communication is trying to get our message delivered to the recipient as intended. However, our package is not always delivered as intended or desired. Do we put fragile all over the box? Do we ship it the cheapest method? Do we ship next day air? This is why the way in which we deliver that message or package, can greatly impact how it’s received.
How do we communicate?
There are arguably 4 typical patterns of communication: passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, and assertive. We see passive, passive aggressive, and aggressive communication styles all over, but the one that is commonly missed is how to be assertive. It is the one that often feels the most uncomfortable, but usually is the one that is healthiest and most effective at articulating our wants and needs to each other.
Passive: Emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited, self denying, blaming, and apologetic.
Passive Aggressive: Emotionally dishonest and indirect. Self denying at first then self enhancing at the expense of others later.
Aggressive: Inappropriately honest, direct, expressive, attacking, blaming, controlling, and self enhancing at the expense of others.
Assertive: Appropriately honest, direct, self enhancing, expressive, self confident, and empathetic to emotions of all involved.
If our message is delivered in a passive, passive aggressive, or aggressive style, it can activate another person’s defenses. Instead of helping, this hurts our chances of having our message be heard the way it was intended or desired. It can leave us feeling dissatisfied, hurt, sad, angry, confused, or disappointed. Assertiveness is a style of communication that helps our message that is delivered and received as intended. It accurately and directly articulates our wants and needs while remaining empathetic and respectful to others.
How do I communicate assertively?
It can be difficult to be assertive, especially if it is a communication style that is unfamiliar. We may not always be aware of how we communicate and how it’s being received. If you, your family, or your partner find yourself struggling with communication and conflicts I would be happy to meet with you to discuss how we can identify those patterns. I have attached a handout that can assist in creating an assertive statement. My hope is that it can be used to help change and improve how we communicate with each other to help build connection, decrease conflict, and increase intimacy between one other and our families.
Assertive Communication Download
Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. To talk to someone about counseling or therapy, please contact us at hello@atlwell.com or schedule an appointment for in person or virtual counseling today.
*This blog post was written by Jonathan Smith MA, LPC. Jonathan enjoys working with adolescents and adults facing high stress situations, depression and bipolar disorders, self-harm, spiritual issues, relationship issues, and major life transitions.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
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