Childhood trauma, and trauma in general, can look a lot different than one would expect. It’s not always one big event that happens or a series of big events.

Trauma can also come from childhood needs going unmet. This can happen unintentionally from a well intentioned parent. It can also be a result of more active abuse or neglect.

Trauma is not the event or the behavior in and of itself, it’s what the child is left dealing with in their body that doesn’t get addressed. If a child feels alone in their experience, then negative feelings can remain inside and fester. In other words, the nervous system creates neural pathways that have our body (re)acting as if we’re in an unsafe environment when we’re in a seemingly safe environment.

Connection Comes From Validation

One way that a child’s needs can go unmet is through invalidation. Parents want their kids to be happy. Sometimes the easiest and quickest way to keep a kid “happy” is to tell them what we know to be true. If a child is acting afraid and we say, “You're fine. There’s nothing scary about this”, that can leave the child feeling unheard, unseen, or misunderstood.

It seems logical to tell a child there’s nothing to be afraid of. However, before that’s said, it’s best that a connection is made with the child. Connection comes from validation. When we invalidate our child’s feeling or reaction, disconnection arises.

Validate their feelings

Validation includes slowing down, getting on their level, and letting our child know we see that they’re afraid/happy/sad. We must empathize and connect with their experience. When a child feels unseen more than seen from a parent this can cause disconnection, as does a parent denying a child’s reality. Parents must share in our child’s joy, in their hurt, and everything in between.

A parental behavior that can cause disconnection or “invalidation” is telling your child directly or indirectly they “should not” feel certain emotions. If we tell a child to “stop crying, “ or “there’s nothing to cry about,” over and over again — this is denying their reality.

If a child is happy and the parent says something to the effect of “what's the big deal?” — these types of reactions can leave the child feeling as if it’s unsafe to share their authentic self or their happiness. Overtime, they can become closed off emotionally and will not know how to handle certain big feelings. This can leave them feeling lonely and isolated.

Importance of Face-time

Our children need our time and connection. This includes eye contact, time together, validation, and affection. When a parent is always on their phone or computer this gives the child feelings that they’re not good enough. It makes them feel as if what is happening on the screen is more important than what’s happening in the room, time spent with them. The child internalizes this disconnect and it helps create their inner voice, that they don’t matter. Of course we’re all on our phones and looking at screens at times, but set a goal to turn away from screens more often than not to give your child the “original face-time”.

Validation and connect can best occur when we have face-time with our children.

Other Forms of Childhood Trauma

Other forms of childhood trauma can include:

A physically present but emotionally absent parent
A parent with an addiction
A parent that see themselves as their child friend (lacking boundaries)
A parent who focuses on appearance (creating a child’s self worth to be tied to their outer appearance)

Know that all parents make mistakes. It’s important to give yourself grace as a parent. We are human. It’s never too late to do something different when it comes to parenting. The good news is that trauma does not have to live inside of us or our children forever. Healing is possible.

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. For support, contact us or request an appointment online. We offer counseling for ages 3+, for families, and for parents wanting to work through “parent coaching” and ways to better connect with your child or teen.

This blog post was written by Elizabeth Neal, LMSW.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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