What to Know: Forgiveness
Forgiveness is something that we can all relate to since we have all been hurt by someone, or have hurt someone in our lives. It is a topic that most of us avoid, brush under the rug, and try to move past. It is a deep topic involving hurt, pain, anger, and grief. It is also one of the most misunderstood practices within our culture and one we can all improve on.
What is forgiveness?
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a process of conscious, deliberate decisions to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. This definition of forgives may come as a surprise or differ from what we are used to. Forgiveness only involves one person, you. Notice in the definition it does not state anything about the party that hurt or wronged you; nor does it incorporate repairing or reinstating a relationship with that person or group. Forgiveness is about letting go of the feelings of resentment or vengeance.
This may differ from the definition you learned and one we see most often in our culture. In fact, we learn about forgiveness at a young age. This learning process can be illustrated through my niece and nephew. When my nephew steals my niece’s toy and runs away with it, it hurts her. My nephew is told to return the toy stand in front of my niece and say the big words, “I’m sorry.” Then my niece is told to reply, “I forgive you.” My niece forgives because the wrong was acknowledged and the toy returned. In this example, forgiveness only comes after the words “I’m sorry” are spoken. How are we supposed to translate this into the places in our lives where our wrongdoer does not acknowledge, is not remorseful, and does not utter the phrase, “I’m sorry?”
Why go through the process of forgiveness?
Researchers have shown that when we do the opposite of forgiving, such as holding a grudge or resentment, it can lead to some major physical and psychological effects. When dwelling on grudges our blood pressure and heart rate can increase, muscle tension, and many stress related illnesses such as migraines, backaches, ulcers, and insomnia. Researchers also show that unforgiveness can lead to increased risk of anxiety, depression, disconnectedness in relationships with others. Nelson Mandala is often famously quoted saying “Resentment is like drinking poison, and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
How do I forgive?
The type of forgiveness most seen, and one that we saw in my niece and nephew, is called conditional forgiveness. This forgiveness is only practiced once the condition of acknowledgement of wrongdoing is present, remorse is felt, or restitution is experienced. Forgiveness is then something that is offered to someone once that condition has been met, a gift we give to them. One of the most desired reasons for conditional forgiveness is it feels that the victim is in control of when the forgiveness is given or not. However, by waiting for the condition to be met, we chain ourselves to the person who harmed us, thus the perpetrator holds the keys. They may never feel remorse, never acknowledge their wrongdoing, or may not even be here on this earth still to do so. So what then? Do we remain chained to this person who harmed us forever waiting for the words, “I’m sorry” to be spoken? No, we can practice forgiveness without ever including the individual who harmed us.
The type of forgiveness I encourage and work through with my clients is called unconditional forgiveness. In this model, unconditional forgiveness frees the one doing the forgiving, it does not wait for our perpetrator to free us from the chains that tie us to them. It frees the forgiver and allows them to move forward, grow, heal, and be unshackled from the past. Unconditional forgiveness is a gift that is offered to yourself. It is not forgetting, it is not condoning, it is not minimizing the hurt that was experienced, it is not saying, “It’s ok.” when it was not, and it is not accepting of abuse or violation or mistreatment.
Unfortunately, it may also not be a one-time event, but rather a healing process. This process is most often done in a therapeutic setting with someone who is safe and trained to walk through the hurt and help walk through the release of the feelings tied to it. Unconditional forgiveness brings peace and fosters wellness as it releases stress from our bodies. It is a process I would be happy to walk through with you, as well as any of our counselors on staff. It is a process and a practice that everyone is deserving to experience.
Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. To talk to someone about counseling or therapy, please contact us or schedule an appointment for in person or virtual counseling today.
*This blog post was written by Jonathan Smith.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
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