Valentines Day is the helpful little cattle-prod many of us need to jolt us out of the day to day routines of life.

It can remind us to appreciate someone we can often take for granted when we’re doing life together.

There are years we arrive at Feb 14 like a great composer orchestrating a day full of romance and passion. Other times, the day finds our grocery cart screeching around the candy aisle, heading for the last of the overpriced, wilting roses at the grocery store. Then there are the years where don’t celebrate at all. No matter what your last V-day looked like, the good news is that it doesn’t have to define your relationship for the rest of the year.

So, how do you foster romance in your relationship year round? Here’s what a few studies show:

Tighten Up

Creating a general sense of emotional closeness in your relationship is like tightening up the nuts and bolts that keep a vehicle feeling secure and ready for rough roads of adventure. Reis and Shaver (1988) emphasized the importance of sharing significant experiences together, opening vulnerability, and developing empathetic communication with our partners. That childhood image of sitting in a treehouse with a best friend telling secrets over lamplight is exactly what we’re going for here.

Make Consistent Investments

According to the Investment Model of Commitment proposed by Rusbult (1983), commitment to a relationship is influenced by factors such as satisfaction, alternatives, and investments. Couples can enhance commitment and relationship satisfaction by actively investing in relationship maintenance behaviors. These can include spending quality time together, doing enjoyable activities together, and expressing appreciation and gratitude for any amount of work that your partner puts into the relationship.

Develop a Particular Set of Skills

Liam Neeson isn’t the only one with a respectable skill set. To get through life’s tougher seasons and keep conflict from degrading into entrenched battles, learning to effectively communication is vital. Research by Gottman and Silver (1999) highlights the importance of constructive communication patterns, such as using “I” statements, active listening, and avoiding defensiveness and criticism. What’s important here is communicating mutual understanding, respect, and empathy in your exchanges throughout the day.

Get Physical

Physical affection plays a crucial role in fostering intimacy and connection between partners. Studies by Floyd (2006) and Ditzen et al. (2007) have shown that regular displays of physical affection, such as hugs, massages, kisses, and cuddling, are associated with higher relationship satisfaction and lower stress levels. Next time your partner leans in for a quick kiss, try to surprise them with a moment that’ll have their lips buzzing for the rest of the day.

Be the Couple that Plays Together

Our brains are wired for novelty and excitement. Repetition might be good for stability, but we need the balance of a little spontaneity in relationships to keep them exciting. Research by Aron et al. (2000) suggests that engaging in novel and challenging activities together can reignite passion and strengthen relationship bonds. You can spice up your relationship by trying new experiences, exploring new hobbies, or scheduling that adventure together, creating novel memories and writing a story that’s unique to you, as a couple.

One of the benefits of a committed relationship is the security that your partner is going to do their best to be there even when things aren’t going well. Unfortunately, we can depend too much on this security, thinking that the choice we made to be together when we committed to each other is enough to sustain a lifetime of days together. This can lead to a relationship that feels more like a project partnership, or even an obligation, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Your days of romance, connection, and passion aren’t behind you. They don’t have to peek their heads out just a few times a year.

It’s going to take intention, some vulnerability, and maybe a bit of work. Ask yourself this question, though. Would you rather have a vase of cut flowers or a blooming garden to enjoy throughout the year?

References:

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273

Ditzen, B., Neumann, I. D., Bodenmann, G., von Dawans, B., Turner, R. A., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2007). Effects of different kinds of couple interaction on cortisol and heart rate responses to stress in women. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 32(5), 565–574. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2007.03.011

Floyd, K. (2006). Affectionate communication is good for you: A meta-analytic review of research on affection exchange in close relationships. Communication Monographs, 70(1), 89–108. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637750500371322

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research, and interventions (pp. 367–389). John Wiley & Sons.

Rusbult, C. E. (1983). A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development (and deterioration) of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(1), 101–117. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.45.1.101

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. For support, contact us or request an appointment online.

This blog post was written by Andrew Quinley.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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