“Our pain is looking for acknowledgement. Once we connect to our wounding, a doorway for healing opens.” - Robert Jackman, MS LCPC, NCC

We are all shaped by our childhood experiences. Our family of origin is where we first learn how to understand and express emotions, set healthy boundaries, demonstrate compassion, build trust, and feel valued as separate, unique individuals. If we were to liken our early environment to a classroom, some of us learned well from teachers (caregivers) who were able to connect with us and to model healthy patterns of behavior and communication at key points in our development.

However, for many of us, this was not the case. For a myriad of reasons, our primary caregivers may not have been able to extend kindness and compassion, or to gently guide and support us in a space that felt physically and emotionally safe to express what we were feeling. As a way to respond or cope with this lack of connection, consistency, compassion, and protection, children can begin to develop unhealthy or harmful patterns of relating to self and others. This may look like being overly reactive, people pleasing, becoming invisible, perfectionism, anxiety, and rage. In extreme cases of abuse or neglect, these patterns of behavior were necessary in order to stay physically and emotionally safe, essentially these were skills needed to survive childhood experiences and they served us well in this way for a specific period of time. However, the problem occurs when we recognize that these necessary traits/patterns have been carried into adulthood and we react from our younger selves rather than from our wise adult self. This is where reparenting can be extremely beneficial.

What is reparenting?

Reparenting is essentially giving to ourselves what we did not receive in our early years. In the process of reparenting we learn to meet our own needs that went unmet in childhood. Unlearning can be just as important on the journey to greater health and wellness-this reparenting of self involves unlearning ways of relating to self and others that are neither healthy or effective in our adult relationships.

How can we begin to practice it?

The best way to practice reparenting is with a trusted counselor or therapist. The therapeutic process often involves identifying these unhealthy patterns and coping mechanisms and trying to identify when they were first learned. This is an important step in the reparenting process as we can often find ourselves stuck back at the time/age of our initial childhood wounding. In other words, we may be repeatedly responding to stress or triggers experienced in adulthood, with the traits learned in childhood. Once this is recognized, adults can then begin taking steps to “unlearn” these patterns developed in our childhood/teenage years. One way to do this is by connecting to these younger parts and offering them compassion, understanding, and gratitude for the ways they worked to protect us, validating their experience, just as a loving parent would do.

Practical ways to practice reparenting:

Be Curious and compassionate with yourself
Be aware of self-talk/inner dialogue

Ex: “You’re so stupid, I can’t believe you just said/did that!”

Speak to yourself with kindness and compassion

“It makes sense that you feel nervous/unsure about this new experience, and you are doing it anyway, that takes courage!”

Remind yourself what you enjoy doing–and do it
Implement a regular sleep/wake routine
Move your body in ways that you enjoy

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. For support, contact us or request an appointment online.

This blog post was written by Anna Gould, MA, LAPC, NCC.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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