Human beings are hard-wired for connection.

From the moment we are born, the deep and essential bond we form with our caregivers is vital for survival. Yet, as we grow, another force emerges within us: the desire for authenticity. Authenticity, as Dr. Gabor Maté explains, is “the capacity to know what we feel, to be in touch with our bodies, and to be able to express who we are in the world.”

The tension between attachment and authenticity lies at the heart of our psychological development. Often, these two needs coexist harmoniously. However, when they come into conflict, we tend to prioritize attachment over authenticity. Why does this happen? And how can reclaiming our authenticity lead us to a more aligned and fulfilling life?

The Biology of Attachment

Attachment theory, first introduced by John Bowlby, highlights the primal importance of secure bonds. As infants, we are entirely dependent on our caregivers. Our survival hinges on their care, love, and presence. Because of this, we are biologically predisposed to maintain attachment at all costs.

The Cost of Prioritizing Attachment

This survival strategy often leads to what Dr. Maté calls a “disconnection from the self.” He explains:

“The essential dilemma of early childhood is this: either I am authentic, and I risk losing my attachment, or I maintain my attachment relationships at the cost of losing my authenticity.”

For example, a child who learns that expressing anger leads to parental rejection may suppress that anger entirely. Over time, this suppression can evolve into a pattern of self-abandonment, where the child grows into an adult who struggles to recognize or honor their own needs and feelings.

The long-term cost of this trade-off can be profound: anxiety, depression, chronic stress, and even physical illness. According to Maté, our inability to live authentically creates an internal dissonance that reverberates through every aspect of our lives.

The Path Back to Authenticity

Reclaiming authenticity requires a deliberate and courageous journey of self-awareness. It involves peeling back layers of conditioned behavior, unearthing suppressed emotions, and challenging deeply ingrained beliefs.

Donald Winnicott, the renowned psychoanalyst, introduced the concept of the “true self” and the “false self.” The false self emerges as a defense mechanism, shaped to meet the expectations of others. The true self, however, represents the core of who we are—our unfiltered thoughts, feelings, and desires. Winnicott believed that living from the true self is essential for psychological health.

He wrote, “It is a joy to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found.” While the false self may help us maintain relationships or avoid conflict in the short term, it often leaves us feeling unseen, misunderstood, and unfulfilled.

Choosing Authenticity in Adulthood

As adults, we have the opportunity to revisit the attachment-authenticity dynamic and consciously choose authenticity without severing our bonds. This requires recognizing that our worth is not contingent on others’ approval.

Maté reminds us:

“Healing isn’t about fixing what’s broken; it’s about reclaiming what’s lost.”

When we prioritize authenticity, we reclaim the parts of ourselves left behind in the pursuit of attachment.

How to Start Showing Up Authentically

Cultivate Self-Awareness
Spend time reflecting on where your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors may be shaped by the need for approval. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can help uncover these patterns.
Set Boundaries
Practice asserting your needs and desires, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Authenticity doesn’t mean rejecting connection; it means fostering relationships that honor the real you.
Embrace Vulnerability
Showing up authentically requires courage. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability, writes: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of authenticity, creativity, and connection.”
Find Secure Connections
Surround yourself with people who encourage your true self to shine. A secure and loving relationship can help you practice authenticity in a safe environment.

Final Thoughts

The journey from attachment to authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other—it’s about integrating the two. When we honor our authentic selves, we bring deeper, truer connection to our relationships.

By showing up authentically, we don’t lose connection; we deepen it. In doing so, we reclaim the joy, freedom, and alignment that were always meant to be ours.

The more in touch we are with our authentic selves, the more fulfilling our lives become.

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. For support, contact us or request an appointment online.

This blog was written by Abby Doubell.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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