Relationships are challenging but can be so rewarding. There is a beauty in relationships that will astonish you when you allow yourself to fully engage. Everyone wants to be loved properly, but it’s not something we are usually taught how to do. Thankfully, there are simple ideas that can foster a loving relationship – steps that can slowly change hearts and open avenues to healing.

One habit is to blame busyness or distraction, but more often it’s pain that prevents relationship success. We can make choices because of pain: to ignore the pain, repress the pain, disguise the pain, or lie about the pain.

At our core, we’re designed for connection. When we don’t feel connected, we can search in other places (affairs, addiction, lies, etc). Here is where pain continues to hurt. It causes more and more damage to us and our relationships.

When we choose to love our partner, we say to the pain, “You’re not welcome here because this person deserves to be loved. No, they’re not perfect. No, they are not handling everything right. But maybe pain is the reason?”

Sometimes pain is deep and causes things to appear cloudy and jumbled. Sometimes pain grows too strong to handle alone. Love clears the air. Love pushes walls down. It allows grace to enter the space, and that is where healing happens.

We begin healing a fractured relationship by being intentional with love. The steps are slow at first, but roots can take hold and can change your relationship. The process doesn’t have to be technical and complicated. You can start with a tiny step in the right direction. How?

The answer lies in five small words: Understanding. Connection. Safety. Vulnerability. Peace.

Understanding

Study your partner. What makes them genuinely smile? What makes them feel seen? What do they need when they’re sad? What stresses them out? Do they know they’re important to you? Their past is valuable – learn it. Have the hard convos that cultivate closeness and lead to understanding. Say the thing they need to hear. Take one step even if it’s scary. Sometimes we don’t realize how we close ourselves off and taking a step can be the action that starts the healing.

Connection

Once you understand your partner better, you can anticipate their needs. What makes their soul respond? What makes their heart flutter? You may see the light in their eyes again. Act on those things. Be intentional. This deepens your connection. A simple act that repairs, builds, fills.

Safety

Once you feel connected, you’re able to ‘let go’. You feel safe. You’re able to share more depth and more intimacy of emotion. Safe means you’re not worried, you’re not overthinking, you’re not tense or angry in your interactions with your partner. Partners can then be more open/patient/kind because they know they’re loved. Safety gives confidence.

Vulnerability

When you feel safe in your partner’s presence, you can be vulnerable. Vulnerability means you let your true self come to the surface. You speak deep and beautiful truths that expose your heart. You allow tenderness to be seen. You can share because you are deeply respected and understood.

Peace

Vulnerability allows peace to flood into a relationship. Being known, loved, and seen creates peace. Peace knows no judgment or criticism or contempt. Peace operates on trust and kindness, and expands the more it’s practiced.

Anger hurts, but is neutralized by understanding. Pain is lessened by connection. Fear is overtaken by safety. Shame is defeated by vulnerability. Mistakes come but peace wins. So you see, understanding brings connection; connection brings safety; safety brings vulnerability, and vulnerability brings peace.

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. To talk to someone about counseling, please contact us or schedule an appointment today.

This blog post was written by Michelle Parker, MAMFT.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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