Do you feel emotions? Researchers claim that less than 10% of the population do not experience emotions.

If you can feel happiness, sadness, anger, fear, or disgust, then you’re in the 90% and this post is for you. Some of the hardest emotions to experience are guilt and shame. These emotions are typically ones we don’t want to talk about, don’t want to feel, and want to avoid, but that comes at a cost.

According to Dr. Brené Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” In our attempt to protect ourselves, we also limit ourselves from experiencing joy, happiness, and excitement. My hope is to help us better understand these two difficult emotions so we can know them, feel them, heal from them, and experience all emotions.

So, what is guilt, and is it different from shame? I often hear these two words used interchangeably. However, they are very different. Guilt is generally defined as, “an emotion we experience when we have done something wrong or gone against one of our values.” It’s an emotion we experience based upon an action. Shame is generally defined as, “a deeply painful emotion we feel based on the belief that we are fundamentally flawed.” It is experienced based upon who we believe we are, not what we have done. Guilt says I have done something wrong; shame says I am something wrong.

Guilt sometimes can be a helpful emotion to feel. When we have done something objectively wrong, we experience a feeling of guilt. It is a motivator to seek forgiveness, change our behavior, and to seek correction. As an example, if you drive over the speed limit or break the law, you can feel guilty as you are breaking an objectively held guideline. That feeling of guilt motivates you to slow down and obey the speed limit, ask forgiveness from the officer pulling you over, and to focus more on your speed moving forward. Guilt is a motivator that can be helpful at times.

However, while guilt is felt when we have done something wrong or gone against one of our values, it can sometimes be unhelpful. Unhelpful guilt can be experienced when we have done something subjectively wrong. If our values or standards are unrealistically high, we may experience guilt that does not motivate us, but turns inward towards us. When the standard that is set is objective, guilt motivates. When the standard is self-defined (subjective) and is not met, it can turn critical towards self and self-punishment. This motivates us to continue to try and obtain an unrealistic standard, continuing to not reach it and fall short, and perpetuating a guilt cycle.

Shame is much deeper than guilt. It is a deeply held belief about the self being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or defective. Shame is not helpful and can lead to us avoiding, hiding, and other harmful behaviors. Shame disconnects us from others since we may fear that others would see what is flawed or defective within us. It is intertwined with our view of self and who we believe we are as a person. It is hurtful and scary to experience and is oftentimes one of the leading things we avoid, attempt to numb, and act as if it’s not there. As Dr. Brown mentioned above, this can damage us as it limits the contentment, joy, peace, and other positive emotions life has to offer. Again, if you experience emotions, you can also experience shame.

There are ways that we can heal from both guilt and shame. Many times I work with guilt and shame with my clients since they can be difficult to walk through. The first step in healing is to name what emotions are present since awareness allows us to identify and process what is there. Vulnerability with our guilt and shame builds connection, acceptance, confidence, and safety to feel them. We then can shift our feelings of negativity and self-criticism towards self-empathy. Dr. Brown tells us that empathy is the antidote to shame. Empathy towards self fundamentally challenges the belief that we are flawed. When we show empathy towards ourselves it prioritizes ourselves, offers ourselves forgiveness and grace, and allows us to develop and accept new beliefs about who we are as a person.

If you struggle with experiencing guilt and shame or feel trapped in a cycle of not experiencing joy or contentment in your life, I would love to explore these areas with you; I encourage you to reach out and request an appointment. I have also attached a helpful handout from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) that lays out what was discussed in this post into a helpful visual chart.

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. To talk to someone about counseling, contact us or request an appointment today.

This blog post was written by Jonathan Smith.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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