Self-Compassion as a Means Of Self-Care
“Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first, it means me too.” –L.R. Knost
During my internship year at a behavioral health hospital, I had the opportunity to facilitate both educational and process therapy groups each week. Self-care was one of the most prominent group topics, and rightly so, as these groups often focused on the overall recovery process and exploring practical ways to be successful after discharge.
Generally, I would begin by asking group members this question, “What comes to mind when you hear the word self-care?” Each group was different, but the majority of the time answers would range from taking a hot bath, going to the gym, getting a mani/pedi or a new haircut/color, getting a massage, or even taking a trip. While these can be wonderful ways to practice caring for yourself, it involves so much more to take care of our whole selves, body, mind, and spirit, and it can look different for everyone.
For example, self-care for an introvert may look like spending alone in a quiet space to recharge and replenish, but for an extrovert, this might look like going to dinner with eight of your closest friends. For individuals struggling with depression, getting up to brush their teeth, even if it takes several attempts, is a way to practice self-care. For those struggling with substance abuse, self-care might look like taking a different route home from work to avoid an all too familiar bar or store.
Today you can ask yourself, “What about other ways to practice self-care?” “What about self-compassion?” “How can showing compassion to oneself be an important part of practicing self-care?”
You might wonder, “Wait, is this even a thing?” It seems that self-judgment, self-condemnation, and engaging in critical self-talk (my inner critic is a TOTAL mean girl!) is often the most comfortable place for many of us as this is what feels familiar and safe.
In her extensive research, Dr. Kristin Neff has identified three core components that help to define self-compassion. These are the same qualities involved with showing compassion for others: the recognition and clear seeing of suffering, feelings of kindness, and a desire to help those who are suffering, and recognition of our shared human condition as flawed and imperfect individuals. To take these components and direct them inward may feel a bit like letting ourselves off the hook, throwing ourselves a big pity party, or maybe even like we’re being selfish or self-indulgent. However, just as there are some common myths surrounding self-care, perhaps the most common being that it is selfish, time-consuming, and expensive; the above are some common myths surrounding self-compassion.
Caring for ourselves by acknowledging and naming our own suffering, asking ourselves what type of help and support we need most, and accepting without judgment that we will make mistakes and that pain and struggle will be part of our lives may be simple but not easy, and certainly not automatic. However, according to research, this practice will result in greater psychological adjustment and the ability to cope successfully when faced with major life crises.
This is what David Sbarra and his colleagues at the University of Arizona found when examining their research on how well people adjust to divorce. The results indicated that those who displayed more self-compassion when communicating about their breakup (either relating to themselves as an inner ally or inner enemy) were better able to cope successfully over an extended period of time.
When it becomes most difficult to practice these components of self-compassion, perhaps it will help to ask how we would respond to a close friend or family member in the same situation and then practice this on ourselves. This is a good place to start.
This blog post was written by Anna Gould, MA.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
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